My place in the world
Long time no see again, my laptop was broken and I couldn't use it for months. Then it went something like... Me: gets my laptop back Me: "I should really post something to my blog now that I am finally able to!" Me: continues on rewatching a series I already saw four times So yeah... Sorry about that. Lately, I've got a lot on my plate and today I wanna talk about that. I also wanna try and make longer articles so wish me luck.
I am coming into this part of my life where I have to make important choices for my future. I need to take responsibility for my whole life. I need to think ahead about a lot of things, like my studies and future career. And to me most importantly, my relationships. I have a good number of people that I consider friends and a bunch of people that I talk to but am not that close to really consider them a friend. I have friends in real life and friends on the internet. Some of them I even consider to be a family and I love them all very much. But even though I have become much more confident in myself and my relationships with people, I still wonder sometimes how much do I mean to those people. Am I a friend to them? DO they value me as much as I value them? And is there someone who thinks of me as a friend while I don't think the same as them? I find myself asking these questions and starting to feel a little sad. I think back to all the times I felt left out. You know how when you're walking around town in a group of three or more and at least one of you as to always be the one to make room for other people walking on the same path? That has always been me. And still is. I know it's silly, but those who experienced this, will understand the weird feeling that doesn't sit well. Even in my close group of friends that I talk to almost every day, I am often just not included in the conversation and I just listen. I used to be fine with that because when I was younger I felt like I didn't have anything to say and I would rather stay quiet than to say something wrong. And you know I still feel like that sometimes and have to remind myself that that's not right. Why should I be afraid of saying something "wrong" in front of my friends? They are my friends for a reason, right? Or are they?
Sometimes I wonder how important I truly am to people in my life. And I know some people think of me as one of their closest. But some I am not so sure. And after a childhood full of loneliness, bullying, lost friendships and sadness, I get insecure thinking about these things. I believe that quite a lot of people sometimes feel like this though. That many doubt the weight of some of their relationships. Especially if they are more complicated than your general friends or partners. I have a few of those too. Three people especially come to mind when I hear the phrase "complicated relationship" and surprisingly my biological family is not a part of that, which would be the classic example of such bonds, but that's a story for another time. All three of these have to do with feelings of both platonic and romantic love, confusion, hurt and a lot of regrets. I won't talk about the details because I don't wanna mention specific people in my life on this blog too much since it's very public, though not really known. The point is all kinds of relationships create so many negative and positive emotions that it's hard to keep track sometimes, and that's completely okay. It's okay to feel insecure and question things as long as deep down we know who we are and who are the people around us. Now when it comes to school I also have my doubts. Will I ever make it where I wanna make it? Am I even capable of getting my dream title and finding a job in a field that I love so dearly? There is this very very very important person in my life who tells me that "No if, you will," and it makes me feel so much better but the shadow of doubt in my mind still stays in the very back, lurking, waiting to show itself again later. There are times that I wish I chose something easier, but then again is anything really easy? Then sometimes I ask whether it's all worth it, but so I could about anything else in my life. Was creating this blog worth it if you only got two people's comments so far, and one of them you weren't even supposed to know about? You know what, it was. It is. Even if only for that one person who answered my doubts.
I like to think back to times like that one comment. Times when I was feeling weak and there was someone who reached out to me. In just a small way, just a simple gesture, that at the same time means the world to me. I appreciate those the most. There was this one time two years ago where I had a small break down in school, we were doing an activity where we were supposed to channel our feelings with a melody. And I was feeling like shit. When I was told I had to focus on my inner feelings, I could not contain it anymore and just started crying in the middle of the class. I went to sit outside the room to calm down while others moved onto other activities. When I felt better everyone was working together and I didn't have a place in that. I was outside, I didn't know what was the assignment and I came in the middle of my classmates executing the task. So I just sat down and watched feeling terrible for not being part of that. Then this one girl stopped what she was doing, came to me, handed me one of the instruments we were using that lesson and told me what to do to include me in the whole thing. I am still so grateful to her for that. And I don't even think she remembers. Small things can affect us in great ways, even though others may barely notice. I wonder if I ever did something I don't even remember now, that someone is still thinking back to as an important moment in their life. These moments give me a sense of belonging and hope. And if I was able to provide that for someone else then that was enough to go through every single trouble I have faced and I have yet to face. Honestly, that might be the point in life for all of us, in my humble opinion. To give other people the feeling of being a part of this world, as messed up as it sometimes is. We all just want to belong, to have a place to call our own. Whether that is a home, a position in our workplace or a group of people, we all need a place where we can feel included. And I am still looking for that, but small moments like the one above give me hope and are a proof to me that I will find it, at least in my memories.
