Crybaby
Hello and welcome to another post. This one will be a little more personal than everything else I've posted so far on here and I am a little bit unsure about it but hey, after all this blog is like my public diary so if it wasn't personal that would be quite a shitty diary, right?
I've been called a crybaby a lot in my life. I have this very faded memory where I got the lowest grade in elementary school, third or fourth grade maybe, I think it was because I didn't turn in the homework or something like that and a boy in my class commented immediately in a taunting voice "Oh she's going to cry about it!" And honestly, I did want to cry back then. But that comment made me hold it in. I honestly don't remember crying a lot when I was a child so his comment never made sense to me, was I really crying that often? I never thought so. Another time I remember being shamed for crying was the one time I was slapped by my mother. I was crying a lot for some reason which I don't remember but which I wasn't able to explain to her. I guess she was annoyed at me a lot because she kept telling me to explain myself and when I couldn't she threatened me with "If you don't stop crying for no reason I will give you one." Obviously, that didn't help me stop crying so she proceeded to slap me and thus give me a reason to cry. I can't tell you what happened next, my memory is very bad when it comes to my childhood. I do know though that because of these two incidents I started absolutely hating crying in front of somebody. I was terrified of being seen with tears in my eyes and every time I failed to hide them I was mad myself for being so weak. And to be completely honest I still struggle with accepting the fact that no, it doesn't make me weak to cry. It's not bad to be seen crying. I don't need to hide my emotions anymore. This has taken me years to realize and I still can't fully embrace it.
I look back at all the times I can remember crying in front of someone. How I felt in those moments. How it affected me. I look back and think to myself "Why was I so scared? Why did I hide in my room or in the bathrooms so no one would see? And how many do this too?" God, how bad do I feel for anyone that lives like this? How I pity those who feel like they need to hide because they could be shamed and judged for such a simple thing as having feelings. I cry a lot. I cry when I'm sad or scared. I cry when I am angry or stressed. I cry from laughing too hard and I cry when people do nice things for me. And sometimes I cry for no reason at all. I used to be proud of myself when I didn't cry for a long time. Now I am trying to be proud when I don't hide. Because I am so sick of letting other people get to me. I am sick of pretending to be this emotionless person who has a mask on their face just to please people who find a few drops of water somehow shameful. They are not shameful. So cry a river. Bawl your eyes out if you want, if you need. Mess up your makeup, then wash your face, fix it up and show everyone that crying doesn't make you weak. It makes you human. So call me a crybaby if you want. Because I am not afraid of that label anymore. And sure I still struggle with it, but I am on my way to make even more progress in my life, and no one is gonna stop me again.
What about all of you? Ever been called a crybaby? What's the one thing that always makes you cry? Let me know!
