Inspiration, Motivation
Haven't been here in a long while again. And I wanna talk about that. This may turn into a rant or be pretty boring to read but I need to just write. And that's one of the things I have something to say about.
But first, let's look at the word "inspiration". We all get inspired by many things in life to do something. Whether it's something creative or it could be studying or working on something. We can be inspired to do things that aren't even that enjoyable to us because the inspiration motivates us to reach a satisfying end result. When writing, inspiration is a very important part of the whole process. And to be honest a lot of times I lack any sort of it. I always say that anything can inspire me. A song lyric, a melody, a person, a word, a flower blooming alone on the city street. But it rarely ever happens and I have to wonder how come that I know I can get inspired but I just don't? I've been struggling with writing for a while now. And by a while, I mean the past two years. That also contributed to the fact that this website could have been released a lot earlier. I can't remember the last time I was really inspired to write something. It's not that I don't have any ideas, I have plenty. But every time I try I just hate the words that appear on my screen so much. I end up deleting them everytime I try. If I have to write an essay or something for school I feel bad about my work and I'd be ashamed to show it to the world when I used to share a lot of my works online before. I used to blame all of this on the state of my mental health which was really bad when this started. But now that I'm so much better I still don't feel comfortable writing stories and ideas, even though my mind is so overfilled it might as well blow up soon.
And that leads me to the other thing I struggle with. The lack of motivation. Because even though rarely I still do get inspired. Usually by those post about how terrible writing is and how unorganized we all are. But then I ask myself: If I'm just gonna hate my work and be ashamed of it, why bother? If I gain no satisfaction from this, why do it? And that's a healthy thing to ask yourself in a lot of cases, but... with this attitude I'm losing the one thing I've always loved the most to do. Writing used to be the one thing that kept me going. Open verse poetry, making up stories, writing about my opinions and educating myself by doing research for many discussions was what I looked forward to every day. And I would write paragraphs upon paragraphs every single day and feel like I've done something. But now I don't feel fulfilled, I have no motivation to sit behind the computer and start typing. And I've seen people talk about this and giving advice on what to do but I just could never bring myself to actually work on it. No motivation. No inspiration. This probably sounds like a bunch of excuses as to why I'm not posting on here but honestly I don't have an excuse. I just can't bring myself to writing and when I do I hate every word so that I can't publish it. Translating two of my older stories saved me from going months without a post but it doesn't help me from not doing what I love.
I need to write. I need to keep doing so until I can be comfortable in my words again. I may not be super confident but that's fine, I just want to feel like writing means something to me again. And that's not a promise that I will post more often, because I can't make a promise like that. This is a promise to myself that I'll learn to love writing again, to love my words, to not be ashamed of the things I have to say. And I think everyone should learn that. Even the people who don't write, we all express ourselves in different ways. And we should be comfortable in our own way.
